You're So Lucky Saturday, September 27, 2008 9:06PM I've experienced the feeling of being told you're beautiful, and of being told that you would be beautiful no matter what. And being told that he doesn't care that my make-up is less than perfect and that I am unshowered. And my stomach is sick since he walked me home tonight. And have you ever kissed someone you really cared about and felt nothing? It felt like less than nothing, even. It felt like absolute zero. I felt like everything I had today amounted to nothing, to just zero.

xoxo

Smile Like You Mean It Thursday, September 25, 2008 4:55PM Powerschool log-in works again. My grades are as follows:

French 2: A, College Algebra: B-, Accounting 1: A, Advanced English 10: ?, US History: B, Advanced Biology 10: A

I don't work nearly hard enough in school. I want to but I have no motivation. I don't touch my homework until school starts the next day. It's true. My dad doesn't care what kind of grades I get. I never want to bring home my report card because I never get a "good job," or anything of the like from him. It doesn't matter to him, he says, it's my future. He doesn't understand, I'm still a kid. Encouragement is nice. I keep my old teachers up to date on how I'm doing in school because they're the only ones interested, it seems. I loathe having fuck-off classes that make you do absolutely nothing. It's not schooling, and it's worse than study hall in middle school. I hate the simple-minded environment. I'm trying to drop accounting after this semester's end. I may as well get half a credit in it. I want to take Personal Psychology.

xoxo

It's Only Tuesday Tuesday, September 23, 2008 9:49AM I know. I'm not at school. Where I should be.

Two years ago today it was that I came out to my best friend. I have mixed feelings about ever doing so to this day, although it is a part of who I am. It's a sort of anchor on my life, but not to much at this point. I get called "faggot" every now and again, but I don't let it get to me. Most people are pretty supportive. My family still doesn't know. I still like boys, go to dances with boys, and talk to boys, so I don't see how I am any different from any other girl I know. I feel more and more normal every day.

Do you like the new site? I enjoy it. It's so much easier to work with, so that means more content for my visitors. It's also more aesthetically pleasing, and I get to work with image mapping. I'm going to create a new site skin whenever it is I get around to it. In fact, I am working on it right now.

xoxo

Melancholia Friday, September 19, 2008 4:36PM It's an amazing feeling not always having to instigate conversation with him. It's reassurance for me that I have a chance, and I know I could turn a sliver's chance into a tree's chance if I needed to, it's happened before. I talk to him every day, and he's the reason I haven't skipped so much school already. Sometimes it's just a hello, but that's enough for me. His smile makes the constant neglect seem meaningless. He's so beautiful and caring and infinitely objective and intelligent. Why is there nobody else like him to be found? And how am I supposed to react seeing him with other girls?

I saw him with another girl in his vehicle Wednesday afternoon. I can't help but wonder if that makes him just another one of them? It hurts a little thinking about it.

Sunday, volunteering at a car wash to raise money for a club in school. For four hours. I hope it isn't nearly as putrid as picking up garbage after a high school football game. My peers are disgusting! But fortunately I will not allow myself to be another one of the girls there just to be eye candy for perverted old men. I'm thrilled to be out of my house for any reason at all.

xoxo

Don't Look in the Mirror Wednesday, September 17, 2008 4:01PM I feel like I never want to eat ever again. I've lost fifteen pounds dieting on and off since May. I'm three jean sizes down but I still feel repulsive. All I see is the fat. I weigh 126 pounds and I'm 5'2". I could join the olympics for yo-yo dieting. And fatness. I really want to weigh less than 100 lbs.

I know this doesn't feel like a true blog when you can't comment, when you can't express your concern or your joy or your pure anger at my opinionated writings. But I like it that way. Your blogs I comment out of interest, not personal gain. This is just my diary. Notice how I won't even disclose to you the name I use to identify myself. This is personal for me. I trust total strangers to not have ill-spirit in reading my blogs plenty more than anybody I know in my real life. Of course I have friends I can talk to, but there's only so much you can say before you realize there's a definate boundary between trust and insanity. I'm up against this fence every day it seems. I'll disclose my most eloquent but sinister ideas to my best friend, but I usually can trust that she knows where I am coming from. That's why she's my best friend. As for just about everything else I write here, I'm on my own.

xoxo

Sensuality Monday, September 15, 2008 5:43PM So there's this boy. A man, actually. And I really care about him, and you know where this is going. I'm so scared but I can truly see us working out like nothing else. I no longer have a day-to-day with him, but I've made it a point to find some reason to talk to him every day. He's someone that genuinely cares about my well-being, and it's nice to have someone that does. I almost want to believe he feels the same. The way he touches my shoulder before we depart. His too-close-for-comfort way to communicate on a seemingly personal level, but It's never close enough for me. I've known him since the eighth grade. We were reunited my freshman year in highschool as some sort of fluke, but I look back on it wondering if it was meant to happen. I consider us to be friends, however unsual it may sound. I have to tread carefully, but I would like to think I know where we're going.

I've had a chronic case of butterflies since I've started seeing him on a daily basis again. I hate how I have to tread this sea like it's thirty leagues deep, but I hope it will be all worth it. I would do anything for him.

xoxo

Found Out the Hard Way Sunday, September 14, 2008 6:09PM Where to begin, where to begin.

It's so difficult having to deal with my past summer. I feel like I've ruined my family's lives. We're broke. We're stressed because we're broke. They've all at some point told me that my mom beating me was my fault, that I must have instigated it, that I must have deserved it. She would never flip her lid like that, of course not. I don't think I would have called the police had my mother not mocked me when I told her I was going to. I don't think I would have called the police had a done something that might have warrented a slap or two. But here I am, looking back on it. I did nothing wrong and I'm not getting justice for what she did to me. She's denying everything. She won't accept my lawyer's plea bargain. She's going to get her lousy way, again. I have nightmares at least once a week about her. I have no one to vent to about how my family treats me since this happened. And now I have less of a mom I did before, if that is even possible. It's wonderful that she's no longer here to emotionally abuse me, but I feel so boxed in.

xoxo

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